Bottom Lines...do you know yours?

I've gotten a lot of positive feedback about the last post...and then my friend Simone (I say friend - but she's in NYC and I'm in OH and we've never met - but she's my twitter/blog friend) wrote a blog about her "list".

It was kizmit! My therapist has been discussing my "bottom lines" for weeks - and now Simone writes about hers! It makes sense now!

So what's a "bottom line"? Just what you think it is - it's something that's a necessary from the dude that I want to be with.

Simone's are fantastic but they aren't for me - but that's just it - we all have our own set of "bottom lines". So what are mine? I'm not really sure I have them all yet - but here's a start:

1. He must like cats. I have them and they're not going anywhere. I don't have 2 - I don't have 15 - we'll leave it at that. But I love them. I'll love him more - I promise.

2. He must be flexible and fun. In a weekend I can go from watching a movie on the couch to the gym to a family party to a Bengals game to yard work and back to the couch - all in one weekend. I need someone that can roll with the punches. I'll do the same for them - trust me.

3. He's gotta like my quirks...no, LOVE my quirks. I'm goofy, I drive a big yellow truck, I'm loud, I'm silly, I'm over-exuberant. I don't want someone to put up with these things - I want someone to LOVE these things!

4. He must be a somewhat touchy-feely guy. If he is uncomfortable showing a little PDA - it won't work. I'm not going to do him on a bar stool (well probably not) but he needs to be comfortable with holding hands, hugging, etc outside the confines of the home.

5. He has to have a drive for something career-wise. I don't care what someone does or how much money they make - at all. I do care that they want to be a success and have ambition. I have it and it's very important to me and thus I think it should be important to the one. Again - the career doesn't matter - it's drive.

6. He has to make me laugh. This is non-negotiable - I don't need a comedian but I do need someone that can bring me to tears in a good way.

7. He has to appreciate all 360-degrees of me. This is for the Dr... Most people live in a small window of their personality. They only use a little bit of themselves. I want to be a 360-degree person. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm fun, I'm mellow, I'm all different things at different times and in different situations. I'm not suffering from multiple personality disorder - but I don't want to be pigeon-holed into being "the funny girl". There's actually a serious side to me that he will appreciate.

8. Good sex. I stole that from Simone's list...hell yeah. But describing that is a little too personal - even for my blog!

9. I had to go back in and add this - can't believe I forgot it! He needs a big neck. Don't know why but that's hot.

So wow - maybe I do know my bottom lines better than I thought I did. And maybe (most likely) this list will change.

Do you know your bottom lines? Have you even thought about them? (I hadn't.)

Thanks Simone! (And you too Doc.)

I Yam What I Yam

Went to my bi-weekly therapy session today - it was good timing.

This whole thing has nothing to do with any guy...it has to do with me and the situations that made me who I am.

I have to learn to be comfortable in my own skin - and yeah - I know this.

I'm a quirky girl with too many cats. I'm very confident when I'm in my element. I'm kinda shy (yet not demure) when I'm insecure. And yes - I go to therapy (isn't that better than me randomly flipping out?).

So someone will either like me or not - I'm a handful and I readily admit that.

My therapist said I need to think about the worst case scenarios that run through my head. And when I do - I'm supposed to look at it though it was a movie and not me.

Not sure how to do that yet - but I'll sure try.

But again - it's not really about a dude. It's about me. Most of the worst case scenarios aren't to do with a guy? I mean - there - a guy - well worst case - he doesn't call. And while I like him a lot - it's not the end of the world.

So - it's about me. It's about me and all the inadequacies I see in myself.

I'm not writing this to have anybody say "Oh Heather - you're awesome." (cuz you know you want to) This is my own therapy - it's to say - hey it's okay I feel this way. And maybe somebody else will read this and identify and say - hey it's okay that I feel this way too.

Someone new...still same old Heather

A new guy popped up quickly on Match...we'll call him SingleCrown (has to do with where he lives but we'll leave it at that). Jobless has dropped off - which is fine - he was only 5'8" - and had no job...what do I care.

So back to SingleCrown - admirably he popped up on Match and within two emails - we were on a date! Now I have to give him credit - the date was after I had boot camp (so I was sweaty), at a gay bar and listening to me do comedy. So props to him for even thinking he could hang!

After the comedy, we went out for a bite and had a great date. He's smart, funny, interesting, gentlemanly and hot. Did I mention - hot? Oye! HOT! And - a really great kisser. (Yeah yeah yeah - what can I say? Clothes were unmoved so it's progress.)

He called this morning to say good morning, played a trick on me (very cute) and then called me this afternoon...and said he was going to call later.

All sounds fab right? Well note the said in that last sentence.

Here's where my mental issues come into play...thank goodness I have my therapy appt tomorrow!

He didn't call tonight.

Now there are a million reasons why that may be. I know.

He called twice today - the day after. I know.

Still my brain goes into overdrive. But I'm trying to keep my cool and not freak out. He might have fallen asleep with the kids, he might have gotten busy, he might have been abducted by aliens. "Later" might have meant later tomorrow?

But we'll see.

The bigger issue for me is - why do I freak out? I'm not freaked out - I'm really not - yet.

No call tomorrow - then I'll be photoshopping the fuck out of the picture.

Devil horns, lipstick, black teeth, I'll go to town with my craptastic photoshop knowledge. Who am I kidding? I can't use photoshop - it'll be powerpoint tools.

So I'm a freak. I panic. I go all in from moment one.

But I'm trying...

Ah and people wonder why I go to therapy.

My night in Deer Park

I went to the St John's Festival in Deer Park last night and wow - what a night.

Let me just say - some guys may be hot but they should have their mouths wired shut. I just don't get why guys talk about the things they do and why they behave the way they do - and still think they're going to get laid.

So I meet these guys - we'll call them Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to protect their identities.

Tweedle Dee comes up and knows my friend from grade school - they start chatting it up. He's a chach-ball - big buff, tight t-shirt, gelled up hair, etc... Then Tweedle Dum comes up. He's got the same chach-ball uniform and the added hotness of shaved arms. I have to say - it's very shallow - but the bulging muscles and the tan - he was hot.

They then start discussing the fact that TDee has big huge balls. Yes.

Then they move on to the fact that TDum has a huge penis. Yes.

Now - there was a little 3-beers-in flirting going on between friend and TDee and me and TDum. So I'm flirting with a guy and he tells me he has a big penis. Not so odd. I mean - crass but not that odd. It's not like he was bragging about being "hung like a light switch" like someone else I know.

Here's where it goes bizarre.

TDum then told us how he likes to jizz (oh come on - you can take it - they sang about it on SNL!) on a girls breasts. It's "hot". But, in his words, you have to be careful because you could put an eye out with it. Yes.

Then he goes on to explain how he went for the breasts one time but missed and hit her in the eye. Yes.

Then TDum went on to recount a special time when he pulled out to do his business and while preparing for said business (I'm trying to be as classy as I can when discussing jizz) he came to the finish line a bit earlier than expected and jizzed in his OWN eye. Yes.

So here's a word of advice to all guys out there - maybe hold back the stories of jizzing in your own eye for after you've sealed the deal.

Now - I do stand up comedy sometimes and people wonder where I get the ideas. Hmmmm - where do I get them?

p.s. My next show is Tuesday night at Bar Monet in Covington - stop out if you can! Show starts at 8pm. (ish - I can't remember exactly)

p.s.s. I know TDee's aunt and she's my friend on Facebook and she read this. HYSTERICAL!

Is it mandatory that if it has a penis, it must confuse me?

I just don't understand dudes...I don't think I ever will. Today's post will cover a few odd things about why the things attached to peni (plural for penis) perplex me.

1. Why do they email you if they don't want to get together? I've had probably 6 guys in the last 6 months that email, call, get to know me, make plans and then cancel the day of and never actually get together. WTF is up with that? Guys - if you don't want to meet a girl - don't email her! (Yes Second Shift - I'm talking to you!)

2. How long do we have to email before meeting? I've had too many guys that go on the email wagon for weeks and then we finally meet and the chemistry isn't there and I feel like I wasted that time. Jobless is still emailing me and that's all going along fine...but there have been like 6 emails back and forth each way - let's meet already!

3. Do guys even look at the pictures they post? This guy might be really nice - but that hair?
Oye! I know - I'm a bitch - I'm not going to meet a guy because of his hair. But I don't want a flowbee in my home!

Any answers?

No men...no problem!

Second Shift has evaporated, Country Mouse has drifted back to the country, Duke must not have liked that I didn't call him back the next day...what's it all mean? I ain't got nobody - nobody! (Yes I'm quoting David Lee Roth songs now - that's what it's come to.)

Here I am - no real prospects - well maybe one.

There's a new guy on Match.com that emailed me. He sounds promising...but don't they all? He did say he prefers cats to dogs...thank God. I don't have a nickname for him yet - let's go for Jobless. Yeah - he's in between jobs right now but did say he'd still pay for dinner on the first date...mmm Big N Tasty here I come. (That was for you 5chw4r7z!)

The thing is - I don't really care!

I have a lot going on right now - my job needs my time, my yard needs my time, the cats need my time, my side gig needs my time, my laundry needs my time, etc... So being alone with no prospects isn't that scary. I think it's a good time to just have fun, tan a little and enjoy being me.