My night in Deer Park

I went to the St John's Festival in Deer Park last night and wow - what a night.

Let me just say - some guys may be hot but they should have their mouths wired shut. I just don't get why guys talk about the things they do and why they behave the way they do - and still think they're going to get laid.

So I meet these guys - we'll call them Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to protect their identities.

Tweedle Dee comes up and knows my friend from grade school - they start chatting it up. He's a chach-ball - big buff, tight t-shirt, gelled up hair, etc... Then Tweedle Dum comes up. He's got the same chach-ball uniform and the added hotness of shaved arms. I have to say - it's very shallow - but the bulging muscles and the tan - he was hot.

They then start discussing the fact that TDee has big huge balls. Yes.

Then they move on to the fact that TDum has a huge penis. Yes.

Now - there was a little 3-beers-in flirting going on between friend and TDee and me and TDum. So I'm flirting with a guy and he tells me he has a big penis. Not so odd. I mean - crass but not that odd. It's not like he was bragging about being "hung like a light switch" like someone else I know.

Here's where it goes bizarre.

TDum then told us how he likes to jizz (oh come on - you can take it - they sang about it on SNL!) on a girls breasts. It's "hot". But, in his words, you have to be careful because you could put an eye out with it. Yes.

Then he goes on to explain how he went for the breasts one time but missed and hit her in the eye. Yes.

Then TDum went on to recount a special time when he pulled out to do his business and while preparing for said business (I'm trying to be as classy as I can when discussing jizz) he came to the finish line a bit earlier than expected and jizzed in his OWN eye. Yes.

So here's a word of advice to all guys out there - maybe hold back the stories of jizzing in your own eye for after you've sealed the deal.

Now - I do stand up comedy sometimes and people wonder where I get the ideas. Hmmmm - where do I get them?

p.s. My next show is Tuesday night at Bar Monet in Covington - stop out if you can! Show starts at 8pm. (ish - I can't remember exactly)

p.s.s. I know TDee's aunt and she's my friend on Facebook and she read this. HYSTERICAL!

Is it mandatory that if it has a penis, it must confuse me?

I just don't understand dudes...I don't think I ever will. Today's post will cover a few odd things about why the things attached to peni (plural for penis) perplex me.

1. Why do they email you if they don't want to get together? I've had probably 6 guys in the last 6 months that email, call, get to know me, make plans and then cancel the day of and never actually get together. WTF is up with that? Guys - if you don't want to meet a girl - don't email her! (Yes Second Shift - I'm talking to you!)

2. How long do we have to email before meeting? I've had too many guys that go on the email wagon for weeks and then we finally meet and the chemistry isn't there and I feel like I wasted that time. Jobless is still emailing me and that's all going along fine...but there have been like 6 emails back and forth each way - let's meet already!

3. Do guys even look at the pictures they post? This guy might be really nice - but that hair?
Oye! I know - I'm a bitch - I'm not going to meet a guy because of his hair. But I don't want a flowbee in my home!

Any answers?