Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Beginning...

Who doesn't love the beginning of the relationship? It's magical, everything is happy. It's all rainbows and puppies.

Can it last?

It's the one doubt I have every day. When will he come to his senses and move on? When will he be like every other schmuck and hurt me? When will I screw it up?

I try to remain positive because negativity and self-doubt will kill it. They'll drive me nuts and then I'll drive him nuts.

But hey - I am ever the optimist. I'm waiting for my fairy tale. I know - it's ridiculous - life isn't a fairy tale. But I still wait for it.

Maybe this one would be quite a tale.

Rainbow courtesy of hannafosho.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Bottom you know yours?

I've gotten a lot of positive feedback about the last post...and then my friend Simone (I say friend - but she's in NYC and I'm in OH and we've never met - but she's my twitter/blog friend) wrote a blog about her "list".

It was kizmit! My therapist has been discussing my "bottom lines" for weeks - and now Simone writes about hers! It makes sense now!

So what's a "bottom line"? Just what you think it is - it's something that's a necessary from the dude that I want to be with.

Simone's are fantastic but they aren't for me - but that's just it - we all have our own set of "bottom lines". So what are mine? I'm not really sure I have them all yet - but here's a start:

1. He must like cats. I have them and they're not going anywhere. I don't have 2 - I don't have 15 - we'll leave it at that. But I love them. I'll love him more - I promise.

2. He must be flexible and fun. In a weekend I can go from watching a movie on the couch to the gym to a family party to a Bengals game to yard work and back to the couch - all in one weekend. I need someone that can roll with the punches. I'll do the same for them - trust me.
3. He's gotta like my, LOVE my quirks. I'm goofy, I drive a big yellow truck, I'm loud, I'm silly, I'm over-exuberant. I don't want someone to put up with these things - I want someone to LOVE these things!

4. He must be a somewhat touchy-feely guy. If he is uncomfortable showing a little PDA - it won't work. I'm not going to do him on a bar stool (well probably not) but he needs to be comfortable with holding hands, hugging, etc outside the confines of the home.

5. He has to have a drive for something career-wise. I don't care what someone does or how much money they make - at all. I do care that they want to be a success and have ambition. I have it and it's very important to me and thus I think it should be important to the one. Again - the career doesn't matter - it's drive.

6. He has to make me laugh. This is non-negotiable - I don't need a comedian but I do need someone that can bring me to tears in a good way.

7. He has to appreciate all 360-degrees of me. This is for the Dr... Most people live in a small window of their personality. They only use a little bit of themselves. I want to be a 360-degree person. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm fun, I'm mellow, I'm all different things at different times and in different situations. I'm not suffering from multiple personality disorder - but I don't want to be pigeon-holed into being "the funny girl". There's actually a serious side to me that he will appreciate.

8. Good sex. I stole that from Simone's list...hell yeah. But describing that is a little too personal - even for my blog!

9. I had to go back in and add this - can't believe I forgot it! He needs a big neck. Don't know why but that's hot.

So wow - maybe I do know my bottom lines better than I thought I did. And maybe (most likely) this list will change.

Do you know your bottom lines? Have you even thought about them? (I hadn't.)

Thanks Simone! (And you too Doc.)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Yam What I Yam

Went to my bi-weekly therapy session today - it was good timing.

This whole thing has nothing to do with any has to do with me and the situations that made me who I am.

I have to learn to be comfortable in my own skin - and yeah - I know this.

I'm a quirky girl with too many cats. I'm very confident when I'm in my element. I'm kinda shy (yet not demure) when I'm insecure. And yes - I go to therapy (isn't that better than me randomly flipping out?).

So someone will either like me or not - I'm a handful and I readily admit that.

My therapist said I need to think about the worst case scenarios that run through my head. And when I do - I'm supposed to look at it though it was a movie and not me.

Not sure how to do that yet - but I'll sure try.

But again - it's not really about a dude. It's about me. Most of the worst case scenarios aren't to do with a guy? I mean - there - a guy - well worst case - he doesn't call. And while I like him a lot - it's not the end of the world.

So - it's about me. It's about me and all the inadequacies I see in myself.

I'm not writing this to have anybody say "Oh Heather - you're awesome." (cuz you know you want to) This is my own therapy - it's to say - hey it's okay I feel this way. And maybe somebody else will read this and identify and say - hey it's okay that I feel this way too.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Someone new...still same old Heather

A new guy popped up quickly on Match...we'll call him SingleCrown (has to do with where he lives but we'll leave it at that). Jobless has dropped off - which is fine - he was only 5'8" - and had no job...what do I care.

So back to SingleCrown - admirably he popped up on Match and within two emails - we were on a date! Now I have to give him credit - the date was after I had boot camp (so I was sweaty), at a gay bar and listening to me do comedy. So props to him for even thinking he could hang!

After the comedy, we went out for a bite and had a great date. He's smart, funny, interesting, gentlemanly and hot. Did I mention - hot? Oye! HOT! And - a really great kisser. (Yeah yeah yeah - what can I say? Clothes were unmoved so it's progress.)

He called this morning to say good morning, played a trick on me (very cute) and then called me this afternoon...and said he was going to call later.

All sounds fab right? Well note the said in that last sentence.

Here's where my mental issues come into play...thank goodness I have my therapy appt tomorrow!

He didn't call tonight.

Now there are a million reasons why that may be. I know.

He called twice today - the day after. I know.

Still my brain goes into overdrive. But I'm trying to keep my cool and not freak out. He might have fallen asleep with the kids, he might have gotten busy, he might have been abducted by aliens. "Later" might have meant later tomorrow?

But we'll see.

The bigger issue for me is - why do I freak out? I'm not freaked out - I'm really not - yet.

No call tomorrow - then I'll be photoshopping the fuck out of the picture.

Devil horns, lipstick, black teeth, I'll go to town with my craptastic photoshop knowledge. Who am I kidding? I can't use photoshop - it'll be powerpoint tools.

So I'm a freak. I panic. I go all in from moment one.

But I'm trying...

Ah and people wonder why I go to therapy.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

My night in Deer Park

I went to the St John's Festival in Deer Park last night and wow - what a night.

Let me just say - some guys may be hot but they should have their mouths wired shut. I just don't get why guys talk about the things they do and why they behave the way they do - and still think they're going to get laid.

So I meet these guys - we'll call them Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to protect their identities.

Tweedle Dee comes up and knows my friend from grade school - they start chatting it up. He's a chach-ball - big buff, tight t-shirt, gelled up hair, etc... Then Tweedle Dum comes up. He's got the same chach-ball uniform and the added hotness of shaved arms. I have to say - it's very shallow - but the bulging muscles and the tan - he was hot.

They then start discussing the fact that TDee has big huge balls. Yes.

Then they move on to the fact that TDum has a huge penis. Yes.

Now - there was a little 3-beers-in flirting going on between friend and TDee and me and TDum. So I'm flirting with a guy and he tells me he has a big penis. Not so odd. I mean - crass but not that odd. It's not like he was bragging about being "hung like a light switch" like someone else I know.

Here's where it goes bizarre.

TDum then told us how he likes to jizz (oh come on - you can take it - they sang about it on SNL!) on a girls breasts. It's "hot". But, in his words, you have to be careful because you could put an eye out with it. Yes.

Then he goes on to explain how he went for the breasts one time but missed and hit her in the eye. Yes.

Then TDum went on to recount a special time when he pulled out to do his business and while preparing for said business (I'm trying to be as classy as I can when discussing jizz) he came to the finish line a bit earlier than expected and jizzed in his OWN eye. Yes.

So here's a word of advice to all guys out there - maybe hold back the stories of jizzing in your own eye for after you've sealed the deal.

Now - I do stand up comedy sometimes and people wonder where I get the ideas. Hmmmm - where do I get them?

p.s. My next show is Tuesday night at Bar Monet in Covington - stop out if you can! Show starts at 8pm. (ish - I can't remember exactly)

p.s.s. I know TDee's aunt and she's my friend on Facebook and she read this. HYSTERICAL!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Is it mandatory that if it has a penis, it must confuse me?

I just don't understand dudes...I don't think I ever will. Today's post will cover a few odd things about why the things attached to peni (plural for penis) perplex me.

1. Why do they email you if they don't want to get together? I've had probably 6 guys in the last 6 months that email, call, get to know me, make plans and then cancel the day of and never actually get together. WTF is up with that? Guys - if you don't want to meet a girl - don't email her! (Yes Second Shift - I'm talking to you!)

2. How long do we have to email before meeting? I've had too many guys that go on the email wagon for weeks and then we finally meet and the chemistry isn't there and I feel like I wasted that time. Jobless is still emailing me and that's all going along fine...but there have been like 6 emails back and forth each way - let's meet already!

3. Do guys even look at the pictures they post? This guy might be really nice - but that hair?
Oye! I know - I'm a bitch - I'm not going to meet a guy because of his hair. But I don't want a flowbee in my home!

Any answers?

Monday, June 8, 2009

No problem!

Second Shift has evaporated, Country Mouse has drifted back to the country, Duke must not have liked that I didn't call him back the next day...what's it all mean? I ain't got nobody - nobody! (Yes I'm quoting David Lee Roth songs now - that's what it's come to.)

Here I am - no real prospects - well maybe one.

There's a new guy on that emailed me. He sounds promising...but don't they all? He did say he prefers cats to dogs...thank God. I don't have a nickname for him yet - let's go for Jobless. Yeah - he's in between jobs right now but did say he'd still pay for dinner on the first date...mmm Big N Tasty here I come. (That was for you 5chw4r7z!)

The thing is - I don't really care!

I have a lot going on right now - my job needs my time, my yard needs my time, the cats need my time, my side gig needs my time, my laundry needs my time, etc... So being alone with no prospects isn't that scary. I think it's a good time to just have fun, tan a little and enjoy being me.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

It's a Small World After All

There I am, chatting it up with Second Shift - I "met" him on CraigsList (the Big Lots of the internet dating world) a couple of months ago. We have never met but have spoken and texted and emailed numerous times.

Well - he's popped back up - because I had never met him but he'd never really done anything to screw it up - yet - I decided to talk to him for a bit. He's a nice guy and pretty fun to talk to.

So we're chatting about work he used to do and I mention that my BFF is also in this line of work. Then I mention BFFs brother. Second Shift then says their last name! Now I'd never mentioned this to him - how did he know???

Turns out - he used to work with them.

Wow - Cincinnati is a small damn world. I find some random westsider on CraigsList and he knows my best friend?? WTF!

Well - still haven't met him but I am hoping that we get together. He used to be a wrestler in high school and I was a wrestling I dig that.

The quest continues...

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The tale of the country mouse and the city mouse

Well I had two dates a couple weeks ago - and they were both fine and nice.

One was country mouse. Very nice and sweet - but as my friend just said - nice guys aren't always what a girl wants.

He is very sweet but just no edge and not much of a personality.

The other - well not exactly city mouse - but moreso than country mouse. Nice guy - but looks like someone I just don't want a boyfriend to look like. It's silly - but if it's not there - it's not there.

So here I am - back to square one. That's fine...I don't mind. I think I'm too busy right now anyway.

If someone drops in my lap - great - if not - oh well... God knows I've tried actively for so long that maybe the passive approach is what I need.

Monday, May 11, 2009


Why can't I have crazy chemistry with the guys actually interested in me?

Why am I still attracted to the dude with 9 dead animals in his living room?

Why does one guy have the physical appeal and the other have the mental appeal?

Anybody? Bueller...Bueller...Bueller...

Friday, May 8, 2009

A date and a possible...wish me luck!

So this weekend I have a date! Yes - a real live date! Let's call this one "duke" - he works for a certain company - I'm not very creative with nicknames right now.

"Duke" is smart, funny and a little quirky - sounds right up my alley. We're going to the Clifton Homes Tour (won free tickets from Kate!) and then dinner.

Dates never go well for me - so I don't expect much. I'm not really that excited...I mean - I'm looking forward to it and I hope it goes well but I'm not giddy like a school girl. I think the last few attempts have deflated my balloon a little.

Oye - I just realized - I'm going to have to figure out what to wear? Crap! I hate that part. It's a fine line between "she seems to have a nice rack" and "let me stick a dollar in 'em" - I never know which side to stand on.

There's also another possibility - "mechanic". It's been an odd go with him...He asked me to talk to his sister on the phone first - yes - long story. I thought it went well but haven't heard from him since Wednesday. I know...I know...patience is a...virtue. I'm just not good with patience or virtues.

So - if there are any love Gods out there that feel like reading some blogs - throw some good mojo my way.

But...if it fails...I guess I'll have another good date story to tell you all on Monday.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Why do guys take FOREVER?

A couple of months ago I met three guys within a couple of weeks - they all seemed to be promising at some level. From left to right: quiet guy, inappropriate guy and comic book guy.

This isn't meant to call any of them out - it's just a classification and a nickname to make this story easier to tell.

So quiet guy - met him at a bar - seemed nice - we chatted that evening and found each other shortly thereafter in the social media universe. He proceeded to contact me through said social media by responding to things I'd said, etc... for a few weeks. BUT never asked me out! I finally gave up!

Then inappropriate guy - oye - he was inappropriate - but we won't get into that. Met him at a bar (wow - realizing I met them all at bars) but this was a friend introduction. Funny guy we kinda hit it off. We chatted online pretty much daily. BUT he never asked me out! I finally gave up!

Actually with IG - I confronted him - turns out he has some issues and wanted to get to know me first - online. Isn't that what dating is for???? To get to know me?

Lastly - comic book guy. Again - met him at a bar through a friend. Very nice guy - talked online and on the phone on a regular basis. BUT he never asked me out! I finally gave up!

So what is it? I mean - it very well could be "he's just not that into me" - I did see the movie. Or are guys in 2009 just waiting for us to make the first move????

Any thoughts?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

We'll call him #9 - to dump or not to dump?

Okay - so it's been over a year that I've been "seeing" #9. First - the name - why do I call him #9? He's got 9 dead animals in his living room...yeah NINE!

Of course I have 8 live ones in mine. Mine are all the same species. Anybody want to take a guess at #9s species. There are 3:

* Deer (duh!)
* ????
* ????

So we've been seeing each other but it's no commitment. He's allergic to it can't go anywhere really.

So why bother staying with it? Is it wrong to keep hanging out with somebody when it's not going to go anywhere?

I'm not turning anyone away - I'm just not giving him the final heave-ho.

Thoughts? And guesses on the species?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Why am I still single?

Why am I still single? Can someone just explain it to me?

1. I'm a nice girl - well sorta nice. I can be a bitch but who can't? Maybe I shouldn't start here...

2. I'm fun, outgoing, spunky and all sorts of things like that.

3. In the looks department - I guess I'd say I'm cute. I'm not pretty, I'm not gorgeous but I'm not barking either...

4. I am not thin - I'm not huge - I'm a little fluffier than average. I've lost 50 pounds but I still have more to go. I am in Boot Camp and teach Hip Hop - so I am very active.

5. I think I'm smart...well I don't really...but other people think I am.

6. I have a house, a job, a car, etc... the basics.

7. All of my teeth, hair and appendages are in tact.

I'm not looking to get married right away. I'm not really looking to have kids (maybe - maybe not). I'm just looking for someone semi-normal to hang out with on a regular basis.

So - if any guy is brave enough to comment - let me know.

To the guys in their 30s - tell me - do you want a relationship with a successful, fun girl in her 30s?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Honesty IS the best policy

Had a date yesterday with "farmer" - every guy I interact with gets a nickname. My BFF (a guy actually) can't remember names so I have to give them nicknames...we've had camaro, farmer, GED, 2nd shift, construction guy, inappropriate guy, quiet guy, comic book guy, fanny pack, etc... It's a long list...

Anyway - had a date with "farmer" and while extremely nice and sweet - he just wasn't for me. He's 44 and he's all of 44. I'm 35 and feel/act 28. He had the combover and some other things that just weren't for me. His kids are in high school. Etc...

But - he'd brought me flowers, been completely appropriate, paid for the date, etc... all very good qualities.

So - how to dump him? I decided to be honest...why?

Let me go back briefly and tell you about GED. We had one date - went great. We spoke a few times - went great. Made plans for a 2nd date - great! Then the night before he emails and tells me he can't go out because his roommate can't pay his 1/2 of the rent so he's broke for a while. I email him back and say I'll pay for the movie (I make 3X what he makes) or we can do something that is free. He says "thanks but..." Now that's clearly a blow off - for some reason - he changed his mind.

So why not just freakin tell me that?

That said - I decided to be honest with farmer. I told him that he was very sweet and nice but we were at different places in our lives and he was a bit too old for me at this point. would farmer take it?

GREAT! He said he understood and figured as much. He then said if I know any women older than me to feel free to send them his way and that he'd do the same.

WOW - you mean - two adults could be honest and it would work out okay?!

That made my day...well that and the video of the lady on Britain's Got Talent!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


I just have to vent about dating...I don't understand it all. I mean you like a guy - you show interest - they show interest - you plan something and then - they bail. They give you a reason - but you know - I'm just not buying it. I'm sorry - I've been burned too many times - I am 99.9% sure that noise I hear is the sound of smoke being blown up my ass.

So why? Why play the little games? Why is it we can't just be honest and say "you don't do it for me" and move on?

Why did the ex that broke my heart not just say "hey - going back to the cheating whore - sorry"? (She has a name - it's Stephanie - but not to me. In my book - she's "the cheating whore" - thanks to my friend Nicole for giving her that nickname.)

I'm just as guilty though!

Why didn't I tell "camaro" that he had 11 red flags in 2 dates and that was just too many! How can someone have 11 red flags in 2 dates? Here's how:

First he’s from Hamilton – RED FLAG (count with me) - he picked me up in a 95 camaro – RED FLAG. Then he told me his dad was a murderer and his mom was a crack whore – RED FLAG. Then he told me he used to be addicted to cocaine – RED FLAG. Then on our second date (not joking) – he again picked me up in the camaro – RED FLAG. On the way to our date he told me he swindles the gov’t so he doesn’t have to pay taxes – RED FLAG. Then he stopped to get gas and only put in $6 – RED FLAG. Then when we got to the casino – RED FLAG – he played one slot machine all night – RED FLAG – and talked to it – RED FLAG. Oh and the final straw – when he paid for the buffet at the casino with a coupon. RED FLAG

So there you have it - why are we all douchebags? Why can't we just be honest?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Let's talk about dating baby...

So dating in sucks. Whether you're new to the game or a vet like's not easy. Also - there are two "posters" to this world. Some will be from a boy, some from a girl. Let's start with me - the unnamed girl.

Let's get the ball rolling by going through the rolodex of past dates...good and bad. More bad than good since that's the way the scales tip.

Time travel back to December 2007. So I met a guy on He was a drummer in a band and owned his own business. Sounds great?!

Well - we decided to go the independent movie theater and meet up at the burrito place for a quick pre-movie bite.

When I arrived, he was seated (this is key to the story). We started chatting. He was a bit geekier than his pics led on to be...but he was nice.

I knew it was going down...the band was a polka band and the business is a self-owned computer programming business. But I forge ahead!

A few minutes of chit chat and then we decided to go up and order. There it was...

Yup...a freakin fanny pack. Dude was wearing a fanny pack - on a date! Now the white button down shirt with no under shirt, light colored jeans with white sneakers and nerd factor were all bad things but I could handle them. But a FREAKIN FANNY PACK?!!!!

As the joke goes, even the guy stirring the rice at the counter looked at me and his eyes said it all, "Wow - at least I'm not with fanny pack."

After the laughter stops, the biggest question I get is "what was in it?". I'm guessing money and keys...but I didn't ask or look.

Needless to say, we didn't go on a second date. He didn't even walk me to my car and this neighborhood isn't great! The twat!

Yeah - I said it - I called Fanny Pack a twat.

More craptastic date stories to come!